I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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