i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Terrible idea I love it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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