I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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