Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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