trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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