yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
