I cannot find my penis.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
