Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize