Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize