"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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