Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
