WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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