Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
