When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize