dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
