have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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