I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
