she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
