My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
