why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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