So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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