I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
