I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
