Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
