I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
