people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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