just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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