Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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