Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
