Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
