It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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