Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize