mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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