u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
