alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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