so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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