just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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