This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize