so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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