just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
