Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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