Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
