I CAN MOONWALK!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
