I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
