Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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