It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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