I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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