dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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