help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
