You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
