You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
