do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
