Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
