Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
