so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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