If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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