im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You don't make any sense
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