I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
