Me too!
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
