I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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