but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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